That Pleasant Voice

 

You give adrenaline to my pen

her i go

writing again

so it's official

break out the tissues

not a whisper

nore a peep

or a whistle

i wonder what you thought

of my roar

that night i smoked on so much raw

the thing i like about you most

is your pleasant voice...

led me to my notebook

like i had no choice...

what to do what to do...

i am sorry ok...

i just...

the whole ride home...

i am like...

i never know the right thing to do or say...

exactly how to convey...

or express how i felt today...

it was dark...

but i had to wear my shades...

you know everything else fades...

looks...

hair turns grey...

it is a simple thing i learned

about the one i desire to spend

my forever with

that i want their voice to be

pleasant

and yours is just like heaven

like an angel that sings to me

at the end of one's life

don't you want to like the sound

of the one who calls your name

for the millionth time

to get out of the rain...

someone you enjoy the company of

even when they are nagging...

Fall in New York

These new york falls…
i suppose i fell long ago…
into the leaves…
what could i expect?
so long treated as a suspect
so much questioning
all the support did not prove anything
you will have a reckoning
just like the leaves fall from the trees
just like i once fell from heaven
you will fall as well
the only question
is will it be back in my arms…?
or down into the earth…?
what a bitter lesson
what a painful pill
from the lack of sincerity
to realizing i was probably
being used as a g to kill for…
the ugly lying lady…
mi vida loca
the ginger who drove me crazy

these new york falls…
it’s leather jacket weather
but even though i never looked...
or felt better...
this dark current in me swirls...
this downward spiral...
oh how i longed to please Addie
turn her around make her see
your lies and fallacies
does she remember the time you burned her?
i know she doesn’t remember the time
you left us to freeze one winter…

these new york falls…

these new york falls…

more things fall than just the leaves
sometimes it is appearances
pretenses.
feelings...
aspirations…
DREAMS!
like being reunited with a queen
or a daughter you have never seen
sometimes you look at a son and say
that
does
not
look
like
me…

these new york falls…

these new york falls…

all i had was a facebook
with scant imagery
i remember that winter of 2019
i had simply wanted to see Bella once
before one of my enemies decided
to face me and take me
then i saw a photo of danny
he seemed to look like me
i was
h
   a
     p
        p
           y
but it seems irma was not the only
witch in between my children
and me…😞
Bella's picture was strange
almost as if it had been
CAREFULLY ARRANGED
to hide her true race…
to hide signs of my face…
Whereas Danny was left to appear
as my son
look sean he is happy
WE WON! yay!
but as with many products
of the land of make believe
that happiness would one day fade…
for similar to seeing the true
colors and sounds of Bella
revealed she was in truth my daughter
When it came to Dan i saw something
that shook me to my core…

some sort of mystery man…
i had never seen before….

i had always thought he was rob’s child…
so i reasoned it was for the best
and here i was…
22 years later…
my heart ripped out of my chest…
Who is this mystery man…?
and when i pondered
her plot to possibly
use me to kill her husband...
i had to ask myself
when it came to the evil ugly lying lady
was he still a part of her plans…!?

The Frigid Zone

 

what’s wrong with you?
you’re like a fridge on the fritz
one day you’re hot
then you are cold
what’s up with this?
i suppose i can be a bit of a wild child
always playing my games
when they ask me what i do
i say “that or this”…
sometimes i paint houses…
cabbage patch kid shit…
i have various aliases
acronyms
and i have a lotta “getups”
i wear many hats…
i belong to several outfits
toured dozens of tracks
found so few to count on
counted mounds of dollar stacks
covered countertops
and filled cupboards with indians
i sometimes leave a smell lingering
piggy banks shattered
souls splintering
my life is in tatters
my boat taking on water
im the captain and im sinking
won’t you throw me a life line..?
join me in this life of mine?
maybe i can help fix your thermostat
i swear i am handy
i am good like that
i saw at one point
you put me in the cooler
now i feel like
i'm in the deep freezer
i leak like a loser
im dying from crying
whining and pining...
won't you be mine?
i’m begging to choose her…
frigid air from your frigidaire
refrigerator
that ain’t working
they just some haters..
pretty please with sugar on top
i bet if we used some syrup
it would make it hot
i know in the old days
sometimes the soda machine
would use coolant to keep
cold things cool
how do i heat you back up?
because otherwise i feel like a fool…

Warm Heights

 

Gone was the warmth

you had shown to me

Not even a glance towards p...

No more kind greetings

i see

i suppose my action was misunderstood

i am clever

i can reason precisely

i have a scale to measure other things

but my life had led me to wanderings and wonderings

my problem has grown to heights 

which are wuthering

i couldn't let you get in trouble

cause of my blubbering...

my childish addiction

that has already destroyed so much!

my crutch..

please won't you forgive sean?

to me you mean so much...

Yes, you have inspired poetry...

more than once...

id like you to realize that hopefully...

That day...

i had hoped you were tending

i wanted to ask you out to dinner..

i suppose i came home with a bag

that was a winner...

but if it meant losing you...

that's quite a splinter...

it will sting 

for a long time

Won't you be a part of my life?

Inspire more lines?

Ok let me explain myself...

don't we all want the hookup(haha)?

come on now...

one of my names...

is master p...

but i get it i get it...

you don't even know me...

what if i got too gone off the weed...

the more i have

the more i smoke

and things are going so badly...

so much pain

too many sad memories...

if you got in trouble

the thought of it

would have been too much to bear

i also pondered how it was

a bad habit to form

for both of us...

this is not the norm...

it's a unique situation...

new environments

different destinations...

you have your whole life ahead of you...

i'm just a burnout...

heavy turnout

high turnover

i rather be next to you...

if i need to

at most ask you to scoot over...

take my advice

if anything

mami...move slower...

That Ugly Lying Lady

 

Who is that white lady?
she smells funny
she is supposed to smell like money
but i swear
i caught more than
a whiff of sad despair
desolation
what Bella told me
ruined my vacation
frankly i wish
we had never had relations
all your consternation
so
i was 1 for 3
stefanie
what exactly did you do to me?!
if i were in the major leagues
then possibly maybe
but that must be why
you denied paternity…
how many times exactly…
were you lying…
lady...

Sincerity

it is such a rarity
to find true sincerity
someone without false pretense
someone who appreciates
i am a man through all the seasons
that i posses a clarity and integrity
someone who passes my logic tests
allows investigations
and seeks out my soul
with good intentions
who has plausible
and pleasant reasons
someone who does not lie
or deceive
like adam was by eve
don’t mention lilith
sometimes they are liars
& sometimes they are deniers
the combination of these types
have turned me into a crier
in my mind there burns a fire
in person your eyes
would have given you away
but since i can only get
txt
or the token phone call…

what revealed stef’s plot…

was your lack of sincerity
sincerity
sincerity
a simple lack of sincerity

in order to spot it
i had to stop deceiving
and begin to live a life of honesty
and charity…
let’s talk about the hypocrisy
the biggest ones you will find them
in the church i say
oh jenny…
some pillar
of folks like her…
i have had my fill…
must be a bitter pill…
to realize your man is not my equal…
but what is the TRUE measure of a man?
they say cleanliness is next to godliness
and that what makes the man are his shoes
but as far as i am concerned
God gave us free will
and it is when a man faces adversity
that you see the true
strength of a man…
not when he is winning…
and everything is going according to plan…
What does he do...
when there is noone to turn to?
When both cheeks are bruised?
When people are doing things they are not supposed to do?
When people repeatedly lie to you?
You search frantically for sincerity

what revealed stef’s plot…

was your lack of sincerity
sincerity
sincerity
a simple lack of sincerity…

Brother

This was the day i decided
to throw your picture
in the garbage
because i now realize
as a young man
you tried to kill a kid
failed
then joined the army…
got the gi bill
and went off to college…
you aced john jay
and fronted like doing that was ok
that is why no women NO KIDS
will be a rule of mine to my dying day!
thank God he gave me a hard skull
but the heavy heart you gave me
has a high toll
it was bad enough
that the only helper i had for irma
was mimi
i mean let’s face it
that wasn’t leaving me much was it?
really?
and eventually she left too…
stuck me with this rock you had
in your shoe…
So what did you do?
Switch me at a hospital?
Steal me and somehow got some info
to forge a social too?
Who knows all i have are clues
my opinion has changed of carmen too
but that has nothing to do with you
i would always question this story
that you would give
oh tute we were playing superman
and you just sorta slipped…
right…
that life insurance policy
had nothing to do with it…
oh well i am happy you didn’t finish me
i got to live an amazing life
i grew to love the scar you gave me
even if it might make me look scary
it helped keep me authentic
and true to myself
i will smile down on you from heaven
as you spend eternity in hell…

The Ball & Chain

 

Somehow i managed
to tear through a link
in order to break the tether
that bound you to me
once that metal was severed
i began to think
about the ways
you had trapped me

i felt like
i was your warrior
i was your king
you were my queen
i gave you a ring
but pretty soon after Addie
strange things happened
calls from other men
reporting sightings
and women taking pity on me
treating me nicely

so i resigned myself to planning
searching around and scanning
looking for an escape
and often asked God
why had he given me such a cruel fate
of the ball and chain
some say all the drugs and sex
drove me insane
i say it was keeping me from my kids
and all of that pain

no one ever believes
it will happen to them
like dying, or going to jail...
but the truth is...
more than half of marriages
have an unhappy end
and are destined to fail...
so from applying for our certificate
as wife and husband
we now went to law firms
and judges..
and fought over rubbish...

all these years later i fancied
myself free
only to find myself ready
to hang from a tree
on 09/28
my estranged daughter
just had to call me (?)
and explained
“they molested me daddy”

i managed to somehow
escape
but i still feel the pain
tormented by this shackle
that yet still remains
it is a leftover from
my ball and chain

The way my mind works
it is a pain so severe
my life is hard already
this just made things worse
really makes me wonder
about how they did this
was it just a plot to kill me
with my own kid…
or to get rid of a husband
that did what he did
using me as an unwitting accomplice
an evil killer?
is that what steffie is…😞?

Mary, Maggie, Marge, & Maddie

 

the white people
won’t let me see my kids
so sadly
i had to make a whole new family
i tried to do it with a lady
but the whole town had gossiped
that i was crazy
so for sean no hand in marriage
and no more folding the baby carriage
im just like anyone
i have some baggage
since i couldnt find a woman
to make children like normal
i started growing
a cabbage patch of kids

mary, maggie, marge, and maddie…

once i found my certificate allowed it
i was so very happy
but i learned so much i never expected
a love for gardening
and a special message
from God to us...
hidden within the plant-life
the plants are just like you and me
they feel pain
don't believe p?  
cut them with a knife…
i swear i can even hear their silent screams!
i remember when i was a small child
the other boys
were always so, so, mean
and i would stay away cause they would bully me...
you might find me in the park
just hanging by myself
flying kites
till it was late and dark
and the streetlights came on in hell…
but this is way more fun
and thanks to technology
i don’t need the sky or sun
and none of the white men can bother me
they can’t take these “kids”
from me ya see…
apparently they wouldn’t
want them anyway
the only reason they seem to
hang around kids
is to do things to them
that are hard to say…
the plants have no orifices
in order to rape…
i suppose they are better off
than my bio kids in that one way…

mary, maggie, marge, and maddie…

i started growing them
after i gave up on getting married…
it frankly is a terrible tragedy
cause i'm finally strong enough
to bring a bride across the threshold
i have big arms now…
i can carry…
but no one will talk to me
not even Carrie
it is kinda scary
so i talk to my plants
until i get buried…
and care for them lovingly
i swear that i even give them hugs
they don’t talk back
but i forgive them
they have no mouths
or lips to sound words out...
they got roots and like us they have little hairs...
but i have to help them walk up the stairs...
but i notice sometimes they
turn to me and pout
and they stand less stout...
their leaves droop
grow pale
when somethings wrong
like some humans
when they are not getting along
i felt the same way
when i was locked in jail
they present themselves
when they feel happy and real strong
i suppose they are a lot like us
and that is what’s going on

p.s.

Do You Know Where Your Children Are?

it’s ten o clock
do you know where your children are
i don’t
they could be near
or they could be far
i often wonder if they see me
in my cars
my little stars
i even love addiekins even though
she was walter’s
it’s that unconditional love
that is missing
from stef’s home
and the cooking from her kitchen
no soul food
or soul too
just boo hoos
and i can’t call it christianity
more like zealotry voodoo
cause the bible doesn’t teach one
to be cold
and not love your children
it talks about going forth
and multplying
that living comes through
making amends and forgiving
i would never expect to have a plate
or a seat at the table
at thanksgiving
but maybe if i had been assured
i could see my grandchildren
i wouldn’t stoop to snitching
but then i called bella and she said
“no daddy i want you to do it…”
i thought about all my brainwashing
my upgringing as a g in harlem
i looked at the man in the mirror
but that would make me a snitch
these white racists
made me say f!ck those beliefs
just screw it
if being a “true” gangster
means killing them
i ain’t with it then
let’s give a chance to the “system”
but something tells me
if i am looking for justice
i better keep wishing man…

The Good News

i am loving, caring, God fearing, and forgiving…

but not these people

who spout about my sins from the steeple

these good will sheeple

who parrot the same racists habits

just like irma, mimi, and charlie…

caused me to hate 

the mexicn american in me

but look it up

we come from the land of kings

we are royalty

you look down on a mexican man

but i now see the results of your plans

the children get abused and molested 

all the while the racist grand parents never protested

heck we got a great grand dad too?

just to detail and show you how long

racism can course through…

because of racism

oh my pure blood child?

addie

i will take her

but not bella and danny?

off to another adult 

stef absent tee parent 

see ya later alligator

the arayns be carrying

some pretty heavy bags

in need of burying

how can i make a baby i dont see

only to let a stranger 

continue parenting?

these people don’t read the bible!

any claims as such are lible

they hang christmas trees up

that is molech worship

you need to read up

learn about nimrod 

and who santa really is…

and the true meaning of the word kids

kids means a baby goat

so why they got you calling your youth that

really tho?

but stef always been really slow

and i think danny and bella 

could figure it out

but not underneath a mistletoe

truthfully it comes from not reading the gospel

and simply spouting

plain and simple 

just read the bible 

you might find the message astounding

the two i think of

are job and saul

job cause i lived his life

saul because he makes me feel small

both men’s tales are wondrous as are many

in that old good book

stef frankly

less touting and spouting

it is time you opened it read it

and took a look

Sullen

all the mulling

had made me sullen

all the wondering

the not knowing

the lack of picture showing

the cold hearted racism

had me pacing

and wandering

left me with a longing

i feel injustice strongly

i wish i had an army

or that i could call a congressmen

but what i grew to see

was all the racism 

the white man showed to me…

and my people

sure they proclaim my evil

and they shout it from the steeple 

but lets look at their actions

how about their habits?

their consternation…

their allowing of molestation…

it’s just plain wrong

and it is an old, old, old, song…

it’s been going on for far too long…

these misters…

have me pondering hitler…

and all the race mixing…

all the side switching…

in their minds a half breed

has no worth to which to take heed

they see my looks in the children and hate me…

that is why they proceeded to snake me…

but they would never want what was done to me…

done to them…

i was born a worthless bastard 

stolen by criminals

no true parents…

so without wealth 

my rights got trampled

this is the fate of a mexican american

and if you are hispanic

i need you to be calm

and not to panic

just be mindful

and stay prideful

remember to make life responsibly!

what i never anticipated

was the lust the white pedophiles have for our blood…

so learn from me…

and all my tears…😭

all those cold years…

they showed no warmth

no mercy

only the dark side of the force

it is not the way

sean is here to say

and take a stand today

that such racism

has no place in society…

You must do your best not to be seperated from latin kin…

break the cycle of abuse

learn to question the morality of your lovers…

otherwise these disgusting acts will keep happening…☹️

The Beginning of Wisdom is Sadness

 

it is so true
the beginning of wisdom is sadness
only when you soberly recollect
and reflect
upon all your sins and badness
will you ever grow as a person
and rise above all the madness…
It takes being frank and honest
reviewing lies and broken promises…
you can try to be a tank or a turtle
scared of the world
and all the ones that can hurt you…
But being stuck inside your shell
Will only lead to a personal hell…
All those feelings will boil to the surface
No matter how far down you throw them
in your cold, cold, well…
Also, you cannot linger and dwell…
You have to heal somehow!
find closure…
Perhaps a lover…
Someone to kiss and tell…
To have and to hold…
Personally i found beauty to be fleeting
i began to find pleasant voices
to be more valuable than silver and gold…
and much more appealing...
This was upon much introspection
i found many things that needed correction
from over eating to too much stealing
From being callous and cold
or learning to avoid certain powders
and nose bleeding
and yes a desire for fitness
and to wear
smaller sexier underwear 😁…
but i didn’t stop there!
i began to examine other tragic figures
in my life in order to understand
all the traps in which they had become ensnared
Usually it was greed…
some fell to the bottle…
others did things out of want…
but couldn’t figure out their needs…
Various vices are the downfall of many
From vanity to gambling
there were various reasons
that led to loss of sanity and rambling...
Some become heart broken and alone…
Some are surrounded by family…
In unhappy homes…
the beginning of wisdom is sadness
While reviewing my life and the lives of others saddened me…
it was not all tragedy!
i started to see a better way…
i began to learn not just from mine
but other people’s mistakes…

Terrorblue

 

terrorblue

it’s when you feel depressed something awful

and it wears on you

truly good people?

in my whole life

i only met one or two…

most are spineless 

or sell their souls

or are whiners

too many are fools…

who go along to get along

they fall for anything

and stand for nothing

sadly this is true…

terrorblue

can you give my feeling a color

i am sure crayola could…

terrorblue…

it’s this mix of grey, black, and blue…

for me it is a familiar hue…

a dark cloud that rains so loud…

it leaves me sad…

and it’s acid stains my shoes…

terrorblue…

all their lies make me cry boohoo…

not that much good it will do…

but like a valve releasing pressure…

my rivers of tears 

i am sure could be measured…

regulated with pills and pleasures…

given failsafes, backups, 

and other measures…

terrorblue

why do i struggle on?

sometimes it just seems my curiousity

gets the best of me…

and like some sort of car crash…

i can’t bear to look away…

to discover what sadness and tragedy

will come to fall upon me 

in these the last sad days…

terrorblue

is there a silver lining?

some sort of lover to save me 

from more pining?

i doubt it…

love is dead…

it was killed by t.v. 

and the smartphone

and all the other thoughts of ego

they stuff into one’s head…

terrorblue

they have stomped out empathy…

you see it in the shows 

as the soldiers…

casually step around bodies…

with little sympathy…

isn’t that the sad lesson of history…?

that man kills man 

and there is no plan

to live in peace, love, and liberty…